LIVE UP TO IT

As a man who lived in his own hell for so long, the only thing I dwelt on was my release from it. This was a lifetime of reflecting on my worst, then promising myself I would never go back to who I was. That's my solemn oath to myself and those I hurt.

In prison, many of us said the same. That hurt, the kind that only those who brought shame to their lives could relate to. It's one of the reasons why many of those incarcerated made the impossible change. The kind mother and father prayed that their child could do one day.

A man who sexually assaulted his own child made that declaration. Out in the recreation yard, surrounded by murderers, thieves, and angry men who would love nothing more than to make your day go to hell. This was where he opened his mouth, crying about what he had done, and the men consoled him. This was unprecedented. Nobody with those kinds of crimes spoke up, let alone raised a hand. They hid in plain sight. So, to hear him share his shame, and accounting for drug use as the cause for his sexual act with his child...the men listened.

When you opened up your shame to the world--with that sick act, they watched you. They watched you intently. You couldn't do anything in prison negatively, because you made it known who you were. As you did, that walk would be easy or hard. Why? Old habits either died or came back.

Well, we were being ordered to have a urine analysis one day. Now I'm like, bring the cup, because I'm no longer in a relationship with my addictions. Now this man, who proclaimed he was drug-free, because it's what caused him to sexually assault his child, came to me. He wanted to speak in private, so I obliged him. We're having a hushed discussion about him wanting my urine. He slipped up and got high. I shoved him away from me and stormed off.

I opened a door with this man, who showed the ultimate act of remorse. It inspired me...but there he was, sharing that nonsense: "I just needed a break from the day-to-day." Excuses. The kind he made for what he did to his child. That bothered me so much that I sat in my cell, thinking about my walk towards redemption.

I made excuses when I first entered this world of shame. I lied. I hid in my addictions. All of it kept me away from one truth: I did the worst thing ever. Me, and me alone. So, how am I going to show I'm more than my worst? Remaining out of trouble? Stop doing drugs? Getting help? Apologizing? The list was long, and I made a choice to correct my issues by being something better.

So, when I witnessed a man making excuses, I told myself, I can't be him, ever. I didn't want someone coming for me, saying, "You're a liar. You haven't changed." Just hearing that would crush me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. All those I hurt. All those I shamed. All those that...God, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm in a place where each day I'm choosing to show that I'm more. It gets hard at times, but when I think about what I've done, I go into myself and begin my self-talk: "You're better than what you were. Get your mind on becoming more than your worst. Stay the course. You worked too hard to fall back into your old ways."

My eyes opened to a new me, the one ready for the walk. The one where I'm proud that I worked with my all to get where I am today. That man who got high, the one who showed his true nature, I stepped away from him. I won't allow myself to be with anybody who didn't work each and everyday for one moment to show who I am today: a man who is more than his worst.