MyTimeToBlog
My mind can't stop thinking about my brother Zo dying from cancer. Everything around me triggered memories about him. He was a shield that protected me from this madness known as prison. I been sharing how much I miss Zo, and that brings on more tears.
Chris, my closest friend, worried I would relapse and get high. That started us on a journey as to why that would never happen: I'm not afraid to ask for help, and I'm not Tim.
The night of Zo's passing, Tim decided to disrespect a female officer by exposing himself to her. He was locked up around 1 or 2 AM in the morning. A few of us knew he was warped in the head because of a sex crime that placed him in a cage for life. Well, he's lying on Zo, saying the day was bad, and that was why he wasn't in his right mind. Tim needs real help, and I pray he gets it--but screw him for disrespecting my big brother's legacy with that nonsense.
The day continued launching curve balls as I discovered that another friend--coincidentally--named Chris lost his mind and beat a man. That man, who wrote on the dayroom's bulletin board that Chris was a rat, and to seal it with his stamp of truth, he inked his own name under it. Well, that man is in the local hospital with possible brain damage. I'm sitting in the dayroom, trying to come to grips with this madness. It wasn't easy, because I'm broken by Zo's passing.
I wanted some fresh air, so I could clear my head. As I'm doing this, I saw so many of Zo's friends who were angry at me. Before Zo passed away, I was getting updates on his treatment. All signs pointed to the chemotherapy working. So, when I shared the sad news with Steve, he snapped, "You said Zo was OK, what happened?" I fought back tears as I had no answers for him. This occurred the following day when Ali, another of Zo's close friends, stepped up to me in the recreation yard, asking, "Is it true about Zo?" When I answered that it was, Ali exploded: "Why did you say he was doing good?" Anger rose to the surface as I forced it down and walked away.
Ramutu--a good friend--and I did a few laps as a way of helping me get my thoughts in order...but Nottoway Correction Center (where I'm housed) was where Zo and I did the majority of our time together. I kept seeing him. Ghost. Zo was all around me. My mind was trying to get my head on straight--but my brother was gone, and I couldn't.
While I was in the dayroom, men stepped up to me and checked in on me. I opened up. I did, but even so, I'm crying. This was my family. Zo gave me a personal blanket to keep me warm from this cold world. I tried escaping the pain by calling my Queen, but I started getting consumed by memories I shared with her. So, I closed my eyes and...cried.
I had this song in my head, playing over and over: "Permanent Tears" by Mozzy. The hook stole my soul: "Lost to many real ones, made my heart divide." I listened to that song for an hour straight, thinking about Zo. Music was one of his passions, and for me, it just reminded me of him sitting in the cell, enjoying a moment of peace that I would ruin by playfully attacking him.
Zo used to ball me up like a kid fighting his big brother. Well, when I put on weight, I used to get him back and say one of his favorite phrases: "Now the rabbit's got the gun." He would get angry for a second, then we would laugh about something foolish going on in the prison. Now Zo did have a way of getting me back for my antics.
One day, I was in the kitchen bathroom, stealing a break from my dishwashing duties. I'm in the bathroom smoking a cigarette with Saddam, when Zo stormed in there with Truck. Truck had a 300-plus bench press and loved Zo as much as me. Well, I'm a pretzel on the floor as Truck held me at bay, and Zo saying, "Youngin', I'll always get you back."
My brother Zo, I can't lose you in my heart--and I won't. The only way I know how to keep you alive is by writing about you. I placed on Mozzy's song (Permanent Tears) and wrote in my bunk, forgetting where I was, because the only place I wanted to be was by your side, smiling about another day together. We're in prison, but you made me feel free of it all.
I went into my photo album and retrieved pictures of us when we had hair on our heads. It was my first few months in Nottoway in 2006. Zo, Goldie, Pow Wow and I were posing like mobsters. I felt like a gangster with Zo. I showed those pictures to our friends, and they laughed at how baggy our jeans were. I joined them in making fun of our attire, then the stories came about Zo. All were filled with love and respect. Nobody had a bad thing to say, and I'm proud of that.
Now the hugs, damn, I'm being swallowed up by them, then I had a video visit from Rah. My former celly, who made it home. His life is taking off out there, and he shared a piece of it as he sent his condolences for Zo. I shared that I'm still trying to get my head around the passing of the one man who taught me to be stronger than I ever thought possible. Rah understood, and we started laughing again. It felt right...But I needed to speak with one more person: my actual big brother, Chris.
I called my Chris, and told him about Zo's passing away from cancer. Chris gave me what I needed to hear: "Zo is up there with God expediting your release from prison." That made me smile, but I also wanted to tell Chris I loved him...Then I went into my cell and cried.
Mozzy did it again, as I listened to Spiritual Conversation. This album kept me emotional as I lay back, wanting my brother Zo back. My brother, gone. I didn't do anything but try blacking out for a while, then my celly said, "Damn, you made a bowl pizza without me." I snapped, "Just eat it then." He replied, "I was just joking." Nothing about my mourning matters to others, only me, so I just stuffed my ears again with my musical escape and put the volume to the max...and prayed for my brother Zo and his family.
I miss you, Zo. I always will. I love you so much. RIP.