I'M DETERMINED

I'm always up early on Sunday to call my mother. She's seventy-five years old, and singing a hymn to me as soon as she answers. Her voice soothed me, but everything changed when we began catching up on our week: my uncle doesn't want her helping me get free.

Those words smacked the living crap out of me! Family...I hurt them in such a way that I'm lost as to what I can do. I apologized, but it's never going to be enough. I know. God in heaven I know. That's why moments like this had two effects on me: become what they think I am and lash out violently. Or I take this punch to the jaw and keep moving forward? I'm choosing the latter.

My life has to be more than my worst. It has to, because I can't see my life being a monster that can't be rehabilitated. I don't desire to be anything but the man that I see myself as, and can.

I remember sitting in my cell reading a book about this incarcerated man who took the lives of two people. He headed to prison with the idea of writing his way out. He wrote his truth, and ended up meeting a woman that said she looked at criminals as the scum of the earth. His actions changed her viewpoint, by showing her he was more than his worst. She eventually moved to where he was locked up and fought by his side until his eventual release. This man, Wilbert Rideau, is my idol. He learned from his tragic past by becoming more than his worst, and ever since he did, he inspired me to do the same. That's why I don't get angry anymore.

When you look in the mirror, and see the man you hated your entire life, you don't look away. You talk with him. You figure out what made him do what he did, then you ask the question: what can we do to make sure it never happens again? Education.

I entered this world of prison with a GED, and my issues. I didn't seek help. I just watched the incarcerated men around me like some visitors at a zoo. Nobody did anything but crazy shit. I couldn't function without seeing an adapter bashing in someone's face. All that violent imagery made me realize this wasn't who I was.

My rebelling against the foolish parties around me, allowed me to educate myself in circumstances that I should've faltered in. The majority of society and prison statistics say, as an incarcerated man I should be a broken addict, hiding behind drugs that is violent all the time. It could've been many things, but instead, I worked hard every day to show I'm more than my worst.

That's why when my uncle shared his thoughts on my battle for freedom, I didn't cause a scene. I sat with those I loved and processed my thoughts. What I did was what I always do: vent on paper.

I'm not the kid who was broken in ways that boggle the mind. What I am is a man who had to stand up and be accountable for my actions. I am. That's why I'm sharing my truth with you, because when adversity comes, you either stand up, or let it knock you down. Nobody deserves that, so take it from me, you can stand up, and you can be more than what the world around you perceives.