MyTimeToBlog
It's 3 AM, my time to think. No matter what occurred the day prior, I'm always waking up at this hour. I can blame it on the ten years of working in the kitchen, but it's more than that now: my mind comes online like the computer in your home. When it does, I'm just in my thoughts.
Today, I wanted to reflect on what I accomplished this week: I'm nearly done with Chris Wilson's Master Plan Workbook. In those pages, I discovered that I could focus on my endgame. When I reached that chapter in the workbook, the first thing I recognized was that I worked through a lot of issues to reach this point. I, figuring out the world around me, and now I'm seeing my life enough that I have an endgame. What is it? Being able to work on my production deal, returning to prison and helping those who want inspiration that they too can walk out of here, making a Zilla Cake a household name like Little Debbie (I need an oatmeal pie right now), purchasing a brownstone, and taking a trip to New York.
I'm clearing away my problems each day. That's why I'm able to notice that I cursed too much. I counted them off yesterday: I cursed five times. Think about how much goes on daily in prison that I could account for how many times I slipped and used vulgarity. Things are changing in my life for the better.
Seriously, I used to hang with lunatics because I wandered aimlessly in prison with no destination. I made my day about working out for three hours. I never read a book that didn't grow me mentally. I was just an inmate, waiting for death. Now I'm working on bettering myself because I'm going to walk out of prison.
I sat down with Link, an incarcerated man who met me when I was twenty-two. He and I have traveled around the Virginia prison system, making a name for ourselves as troubled youth. Now, we're at a table in the day room conversing about our battle to be able to rehabilitate in a system that didn't help us.
I can close my eyes right this very moment as I see the shotgun firing rubber bullets at me. I'm on the floor, shielding my eyes as men squabble over a porn book. The bullets hit me on my arm. I'm crying out, angry at the incarcerated men for fighting near me. The memory was fresh, but now, it reminded me that I survived, and now can smile at all I endured.
On many nights like this one I awoke, crying inwardly about why Yahweh did this to me. My hands were used to harm another, abusing drugs, and drinking prison hooch, spending money I didn't have to drink my pain away. I even begged a friend to let me see a porn magazine, so I could relieve all of the aggression I had pent up. All of the childish ways of yesteryear, I'm asking Him why am I so messed up in my head. No response came from a burning toilet roll, just white noise. That bothered me, so I dived off the deep end and did more stupidity because I gave up on life.
It took many 3 AMs before I recognized I was the issue. I didn't socialize with men. I didn't seek an education because I have a life plus. My family and I didn't know how to talk about our problems either. So I'm lost, broken, traumatized by all my issues as I sink into my abysmal existence.
Now...I can smile, due to making amends by reading books from Wilbert Rideau, Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey. Speaking with mental health about my thoughts that led me to a cell. Signing up for programs that assist you in finding your foundation in life. Taking and completing Victim Impact, where I cried openly about the Child Abuse, Child Neglect chapter. I have been through hell, but now the world has shifted its axis because, at 3 AM, I'm reflecting on the biggest problem of the week: I cursed five times in a day. Amazing how education, and loving yourself can accomplish the impossible.
My life has me focused now because when my time comes, I'll be ready for it. If I can't, I'll ask for help. It's 3 AM, and I'm up, dwelling on the fact that I have hope for a better day. When you awake, what's making you reflect on life and all that you endured? I pray it's positive, if not, do what I did and ask for help. Shoot, email me, I care, and will always help. Be blessed.