SEIZE THE DAY, AND FXXK CANCER

Life always reminded me how precious it was as I sat in the dayroom at a stainless-steel table, surrounded by so many broken souls. The reality of my thinking came as I pondered why Jermaine, my cousin, lost his fight with cancer...and now Janelle, his twin sister, battled with it also.

My mother headed to Baltimore to spend time with Janelle. She always did that: showed up for our family. I called her, jovial, not understanding the weight she bared. Prison took my thoughts from other people's struggles, because I'm not in their presence. Sadly, out of sight, out of mind...until Mom said, "I'm with Janelle."

Jermaine perished early in 2026, and I mourned him from afar. What hit me most was how little I knew of him. We're family, and I remembered the summer he spent with me in New York in the early 90s. That memory splashed through my thoughts as my tears mixed with them, thinking about how I couldn't hug him again. Now he's gone and his sister is fighting for her life.

As I spoke with my mother, she told me everybody was angry. Some were even lashing out at her verbally. She understood they were still mourning Jermaine and also worried for Janelle. Mom took it in stride and prayed for them. Her superpower is her capacity to love hard. Me, I just choked up because I cannot be there for any of them...just a phone call and possibly a card.

When Jermaine was battling his cancer diagnosis, he and I hadn't spoken in 30 years. His life came with news of the sickness that has taken so many lives. I learned this during a Sunday phone call with Mom, then my second sister who had a special connection with him. Honestly, just hearing the pain in their voices, I broke down emotionally.

In prison, I carry the weight of my actions that led to my incarceration, and it became heavier as I heard my mother and sister tearing up. Words have power, but screw that; they needed a hug. When Jermaine died, my family mourned him. They spoke of his life and I just bowed my head as I sobbed in the dayroom, hurting for our family.

You would think it would become normal again after his passing, but Janelle became sick. This was insane. Her brother is gone and she cannot take time to mourn him because her life was in the balance. My mother is a spiritual person, and her faith was being tested as she fasted and prayed for Janelle to defeat her cancer.

Months had gone by, and the news was never good for Janelle. Even as we prayed for her, my father ended up in the hospital with health issues. The weight of all this pain grew heavy, and there was no shrugging it off. That had me sitting in the cell as I became angry.

In the past year, I lost Jermaine, my brother (prison comrade) Zo died from cancer; and Mr. Cross is struggling with his cancer, here with me at Nottoway Correctional Center. Why? How? What am I not seeing? I never received an answer, let alone clarity, only more and more tears.

My father came out of his health crisis with a positive outlook, but as that happened, I learned of my love's father and mother dealing with health problems. I do not know how to be in the midst of this without tears and too many emotions going wacky; meaning, I try being funny because that's how I am...and it didn't work. Thankfully, those in my life understood I meant well, but I am at a loss as to what I can do to help. So I pray for them and continue with my life. It's all I can do, but it hurts me when I hear my mother saying, "I told my brother to get down here and see his daughter." Curse words developed in my head, but they were never verbalized as I prayed with Mom for Janelle.

I wanted to speak with Janelle, but what could I say? Mom held the phone to her ear and I choked out, "Hey Janelle, I love you."

"Hey Manny, I love you too," her voice weak. "I miss you and love you so much."

"I love you too."

"We gotta make plans to see each other. It's been a while. Look, Manny, I want you to seize the day. OK? I gotta put my breathing mask back on. I love you."

"I love you so much."

My mother and I spoke and I was hurting for all of us. I prayed again with Mom, then hung up the phone. When I rose to my feet, the reality of my life was ever present. I choked back tears, searching for a place to just disappear into. That is impossible, as I just took a seat by my friend's cell. All I could hear was Janelle's voice in my head: "Seize the day."

A good friend of mine saw me in distress and sat with me. He inquired what was going on, and I revealed the sad news about Janelle. This devastated him as well. His relationship with Zo came to mind, as well as Mr. Cross's struggles with cancer. We consoled one another, but as we did, I shared what Janelle said.

When at death's door, those still blessed to be here always heard something that remained with them. Me, I must seize the day. Janelle, my cousin, said that to me--and she wanted to see me. I prayed that would occur. I prayed for a cure to cancer. I told those I love that I miss and always appreciate them for being in my corner.

Janelle, I promise I will seize the day. I will. Just keep fighting. Please--and cancer, you will not win out.

*Sadly, a few days after this blog post was written, Janelle passed away. May she Rest In Peace.