MyTimeToBlog
A few days ago, I was thinking about my not having a walking buddy in prison. I'm not a loner, but what I am is a man that has high expectations for himself. So those I allow into my circumference must be the type who have their heads on straight; show me your friends, and I'll show you who you are. Well, I have men like that in my life, but not enough to walk with me.
When I step outside the building where I'm being housed, I'm always having men around me. We chat about the day's topics, but after that, I'm left alone. That hit me hard when I arrived in the chow hall, sitting alone. Again, I'm a popular guy in prison, but what I speak on is positivity, or sharing anecdotes that can help you see life differently inside. That's me, daily. Now outside of that, I'm isolated by being in a unique stage in my life.
I'm nearly fifty, an old head to the young men inside with me. My life has been stained by my experience of prison, giving me the encyclopedia of knowledge. Nobody cares for it, especially when I'm not gangbanging as most of the youth do. The elders don't gravitate to me, due to my nose being in a book that doesn't have a scantily clad female. So I'm only utilized for advice, problem solving the day's issue.
This weighs on me because I questioned myself as to this being all that I am. I have a funny bone that makes me comedic riot for those around me. I'm well-versed in sports, working out, music, pop culture...but I'm still strolling the recreation yard alone.
All this hit me hard because I'm wondering am I just a bookworm to these guys around me? I'm eating alone. I'm walking alone. I'm...alone. When this all came down on my plate, I just stared at it, at a loss.
When I'm like this, I call on someone I trust. I didn't have this earlier in my life, because I felt I knew all. Which was far from the truth. That's why I speak up now, and share what bothers me. I have numerous people to rely on for help now, and the one person I could depend on was my dad. I shared that I felt alone around all these men because I was becoming something different. My dad chuckled and dived into his religious monologue: "You're not alone. You have the one Person who is always with you, God. He's the best Person to ever walk with you. So, you're not alone. Remember that."
I'm sitting on the floor in the day room, absorbing his wisdom. His words reinvigorated my day, allowing me to see that I was OK. I believe in something bigger than me, and what the is my faith. So, I just thanked my dad for the spiritual recharge, then I hung up. I sat on the floor, processing what Dad advised, then one of my friends walked up to me and asked if was I OK. I smiled and said I was. The booth officer called out that dinner was being served. My friend said, "You walking to chow?"
I stepped outside, walking with my friend, thinking about what my dad said: "You're not alone." His words warmed my spirit as I had a friend who always showed up when I needed him. Thank you, God. I love you.